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Today, I didn’t make it outside. And that’s OK.
Instead, I spent most of the day wanting to go outside and wanting to do things (which is also why this post and poem have come out at 12am rather than 12pm).
Whilst I wanted to boil it down to my ankle and the fact I was in a little bit of pain when I walked, I knew I probably could have gone for a walk if I tried – my brain just wasn’t letting me.
Much of my day was spent trying to fight my anxiety, trying to pick myself up off the floor and get myself to do something. Although it’s not wise to connect your self-worth with productivity, I found it difficult to even brush my teeth and shower today.
I couldn’t tell you what was going on in my head even if I tried. The best way to describe it is sort of like, my thoughts are rocks floating in space and they just keep colliding with one another. They’re not really grounded in anything, they don’t have gravity to them, but when they clash with another thought, that’s when I feel the most anxious. I felt like crying for no reason, almost all the time.
There were three moments that helped me flip my mindset
- Meditation. I meditate every-day anyways, but I meditated twice today. The second time was when I found the most clarity. I was feeling overwhelmed by noises, and felt a panic attack coming on. So, I took some ear plugs, lay flat on my bed, placed one hand on my stomach and counted my breath for a couple minutes and after I felt so refershed. The app I use in the morning is called Headspace, and if you’re unemployed they’re actually offering the app for free. Highly recommended! (#notsponsored)
- Self-Improvement Videos. I don’t think much explanation is needed for this, but I watched self-improvement videos on YouTube. These often calm me down, inspire me to grow and also help me re-align myself, acting as a reminder that I don’t always want to be in this space forever. The one I watched is this one from Lavendaire .
- Poetry. You know we love poetry! Button Poetry actually put out a full set of Sabrina Benaim’s poems, who I absolutely adore! It was a good coincidence because a lot of her poems focus on self-care, and acted as great little nuggets of self-love for me to repeat in my own mind.
I am hoping tomorrow will be slightly better since I’ve set a time to go for a walk (9am), but if not that’s OK too! Either way, I’ll drop an update at some point.